Denim Illusions.

4 Jun

Before we dive into how to buy a well-fitting pair of jeans, we must identify your body type:

Okay. In general there are 4 body types. Clearly not everyone will fit perfectly into one of the following fruit-named categories, but bear with me and try to choose one. We’re a society of labelers and I have no intention of changing that here today. Read on.

1.  Pear: baby got back. I get it. In high school and college you had a nice ass. But now you’re 30 and its falling. And all the lunges you do wont keep that booty from pulling your pants down and revealing your lovely crack to the world.  The up side to a big ass is that your body type usually has a tiny little waist. Ah, the dream.  You tend to gain weight in the hips and thighs and you struggle to keep the dreaded “saddle bag” at bay, but your waist stays the same. The best cut for you is actually a higher waisted pants to accentuate your small waist.  Basically the idea here is to make a push up bra for your tush. Lift and separate ladies. Don’t go too tight, and never buy a straight, wide leg or your entire body will appear as wide as your bottom.

2.  Ruler: holler atcha girl. We must unite and create body parts we don’t have. We are missing our asses completely. It doesn’t matter how much weight you lose, give it up- your shadow will never look like Barbie. I hear ya and I’m with ya. The big thing for women who are trying to create curves is pocket placement.  Getting larger pockets that sit a bit lower will actually give the illusion that you have a bigger donk.  The wider apart the pockets are, the wider your bum looks. Try pockets that are slanted inward which enhances curves as it draws your eyes up and out. Just please take the time to buy a good pair of jeans.  If you already  have no bum, putting a saggy pair of jeans on that make people wonder if you took a dump earlier will not help.  Look around for a good pair and focus on the pockets.

3.  Apple: You my friend, may think that jeans are impossible. The lovely thing about apples are that this body type generally has thin legs.  Highlight your legs by buying a straight and lean cut jean.  Go for a bit of a higher waist to control the dreaded muffin top, and don’t be afraid to get a pair of jeans with a little stretch to ‘em!

4. Hourglass: you don’t get a tutorial because frankly you can buy any gosh darn pair of jeans you put on. So walk on, Giselle. I don’t wanna hear it.

Jean pocket placement is EVERYTHING when it comes to buying a good pair of jeans. Let’s be serious. In jean shopping your butt can make or break a purchase. No matter how perky, saggy, wide, inverted, non-existent your arse may be, buying the right pair of jeans can make all the difference.  So throw out your nastified flares, pipes and stretched-out jeggings of the past and commit to creating the illusion of a perfect bum.

When you look at a pair of jeans, start with the “yoke”.  Yes, the seam above your back pockets actually has a name. The rule to remember here is that a more angled yoke makes for a curvier looking tush. The straighter the lines, the more discrete your bum will look. So, those of you with big booties—I’m looking at you Pears—look for a straighter yoke and a straighter pocket design like a welt pocket commonly found on trouser style jeans. Rulers: angle angle angle. We need to create an illusion that there is in fact, a butt here.

Step two…actual design on the pockets. I will tell you right now that fading, rhinestones, flowers, etc on your backside basically make me want to vomit and throw away your bedazzler.  But if that’s your thing, sparkle on. In my opinion, stay far away from doesn’t help anyone because 9 times out of 10 it accentuates your flaws. Especially if placed on the wrong butt…like mine in 6th grade…when I wore disgusting faded, pocketless jeans to make sure everyone at the dance knew I was wearing my first thong. Who in their right mind would hide behind pockets? Ugh. Horrifying.

One embellishment that I do support, is a flap pocket for those of you with small butts. The flap or any other design that you can stomach will draw the eye and create the illusion of volume.

Apples and Rulers! To get the ideal hourglass shape, go for an angled pocket. Pockets that are angled at the top draw the eye up and out which tricks the eye (or his eye) into thinking we have perfect bums. Muahaha.

Now, the size of the pocket. Just remember. The bigger the bum, the bigger the pocket.  Just use common sense. Please don’t go buying a pocket that goes halfway down your leg and makes you look like a man. And small booty ladies, don’t get one that is so small it looks like it’s sinking into quicksand. Mkay?  Moderation. Boost a small bottom with lower set pockets..but only if you have long legs. Otherwise the pocket will be overwhelming and your legs will actually look shorter. Pockets that are too high set however, begin to get into mom-jean territory so watch yourself there.  It’s a balancing game. So try on 200 pair and you’ll get the hang of it after a while.

Color. Everyone knows, darker washes make you look slimmer. So go for a darker wash (no fading no fading no fading).


Big points:

Angled pockets add volume and perkiness

Darker washes make you look thinner

Lower pockets only if you have long long legs and a perky booty!

No cuffs for shorties

Pocket Flaps for those of us with no bums

Pay attention to the yoke

Welt pockets look good on everyone!

If you must buy pocketless jeans, be sure they have an angled yoke. Straight yoke+no pockets=sagfest.

Fading, tears, embellishments make me nauseous.



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